Hard lessons

I have known, from previous experience, that life can deal you blows that knock the air out of you and leave you breathless and scared. Until your diaphragm starts to function again, only moments pass, but when you can't breathe a moment can last a very long time.
In the past several months, I have learned some painful truths that will leave scars on my heart, but not my soul.


You must do your work in whatever manner meets your own standards. And I know, in my soul, that I have given my best to my patients, co-workers and managers at Ohio State for many years. I was the person who would walk down the hallways and smile at people because I think it's the right thing to do. I would try to give comfort to a patient by bringing them a blanket or giving encouragement. I was not a perfect employee but I was an excellent employee. No one can take from me the memories I have where my help mattered- a little, or a lot.


But my heart- there's another story. Because, in my heart, I thought that this mattered to my employer. I thought my work mattered. I thought I mattered. This, I have come to realize, is false. In the machine that is OSU, I am nothing more than a replaceable small part. And the supply of small parts, regardless of quality, are all in the same jar to be pulled out at random.


I always called Ohio State my home away from home, and, as the saying goes, home is where your heart is. The days and weeks and months of applying for different nursing positions and falling into the "not selected" file have been hurtful. "There are a lot of nurses looking for jobs" was what a nurse recruiter said when I asked for help.


I will leave OSU on September 4 older and wiser, but my last wisdom gained there will leave a lasting impression that I will never forget. For now, I keep my gaze low so I don't have to see or smile at people I pass. I know, in time, I'll start looking up again. We are small parts with hearts that grow battered and heal over time, leaving scars so that it's never quite the same. But we alone own what happens to our souls.