Angel

Yesterday I was sitting on a bench outside the Health Science Library at THE Ohio State University Medical Center. I am not usually in the practice of praying for specific things, but just before I decided to sit for a moment and look out at the green space in front of the medical center, I had silently prayed for God to send a friend. It has been a difficult month here at my "home away from home" , leaving me feeling lost and of diminished worth. Before a minute had passed a woman named Mary appeared walking up to me.

Mary is a lovely lady and a friend who I have known now for 8 years. She asked me how things were going and I replied "not so good". Mary knows I left a position I had really liked in Emergency Medicine in order to do palliative care work. To my increasing dismay, this turned out to be one of the poorer choices I have made in my nursing career, as I have tried unsuccessfully now for 2 years to find a place where I fit in like I did there. Mary told me that she knew that this time in my life was temporary and said that I should be strong because she knew that something was going to come along that would be a good place for me. She lifted my heart by her words, even as I cried to hear them. She helped me to see past the way things are and to find patience, even for a day, to wait for something good to happen. She reminded me to have faith and to believe in myself. And then, after giving me a small hug, she continued on her way. I clearly heard a bell ringing softly, or maybe I just felt it in my heart. Angels are real. 

Mother's Day

I thought about titling this post "What Mother's Day Means To Me" just I like I would have done when writing a paper back in elementary school. I guess this blog really is about are my memories of motherhood, stretching back 28 years now- back in "the day" before paper diapers had gathers around the legs and babies could poop right out of the gap without getting a spot on the diaper....and there you have one of my memories. (Easter 1982, cute new baby Easter outfit worn for 15 minutes)
As a mom, I experienced all the highs and lows that come with raising healthy kids. I love(d) being a mom and always thought I'd be very good at it. Throughout the years there were many times when I asked myself what I had been smoking when I thought such a thing- in reality I was a terrible mother. Sometimes I wondered where the mothering I had done went during some teen years when I didn't think I knew my kids anymore. As I said, all the highs and lows.
Here are a few of the many moments that stick with me: The time I was scolding Peter when he was about 6 for some transgression. I was face to face and, while correcting him, noticed he was actually paying attention to me. "Finally", I thought, "I'm getting through to him!" I finished my lecture and waited to see what he had to say for himself. He said "Mom, did you know that if you look really close at a person's face it looks like they only have one eye?"

We has put our house on the market and had purchased cream colored area rugs so it would show well. The kids were in early grade school. I was upstairs when Peter's voice came ringing out "Oh, no Heidi, that's gonna STAIN". (Yes, it did- a whole glass of grape juice.)

My memories of Heidi aren't so verbal. Like yesterday I can feel her little pink corduroy overalls as I hug her, and see the times I spent putting on her stage makeup for one of her dance performances. I will never forget the sight of her bedroom in her teen years (omg!!) or the fun we had sitting in the parking lot behind a bakery we considered to do her wedding cake, eating the samples of white, chocolate and red velvet they sent with us.

The photo above is of, from left, Peter, Autumn (his bride-to-be in 23 days!), Heidi, her husband Ashley, Kayden, and Aaron, Ashley's 13 year old brother. I love each of these wonderful people and am deeply grateful to each of them for bringing their special personalities into my life.

I think often of Tammy, Ashley and Aarons' mom, who died suddenly and tragically 2 years ago. I hadn't yet got to know her very well, but we both were so excited for the little grandchild we were expecting together. She is especially in my heart on the nights when I rock her little grandson to sleep and think how she would have loved this baby and how proud she would be of her son as a husband, father and brother. "Ashley is a stand up guy" were her words the last time I saw her and I am finding how right she was.

And it wouldn't be mother's day for me without thanking my own mom and Jim's mom, who has her wings, for all their love and sacrifice.

And last, thank you to my furry children who keep me young and give me reasons to laugh every day!

Gifts

A busy happy life...... Leah, our 17 year old high school junior, is playing rugby. We are learning about a sport we knew nothing about. Leah, on the left (with her painted friend and team mate) loves it.

Kayden and Gramma had a sleepover Saturday night because his mom and dad were attending parties for Autumn and Peter, respectively, in preparation for their wedding May 23. Kayden is holding a basketball and a hammer. He is obsessed with balls of all kinds, but especially basketball. When we walk around the neighborhood he points out EVERY hoop he sees and wants me to lift him up so he can put a regular size ball in the hoop like his dad does..... The hammer goes to a new toy (of course)- a maze that balls travel through after you hammer them down through holes. He did a good job and didn't even try the hammer on the cats or dogs.

The furry family are all doing ok. Nell was taking a sun nap and the window pane painted a tattoo on her side.(Picture inspired by my friend Kurt who takes really cool pictures of sun and shadow. Hail to the master!) Mollie is feeling more at home and loves her back yard. I had put in a stone walkway where Lady and Winnie had worn the grass thin and Mollie has decided that the other side of the yard is her path of choice....sigh....

So many gifts to brighten each day.

On the road

"Begging!" implores the email messages coming into my mailbox. "Only one leg to fill- please help!" And so it goes for the coordinators who volunteer their many hours setting up amazingly complicated transports shuttling dogs and cats across the northeastern US and into Canada. Animals who currently are housed at shelters that euthanize or ones that try not to but are filled to capacity must leave or die. It's that simple. Along with the information about the legs left to fill- 2 drivers needed for leg 4b from Columbus to Mansfield, meeting place the east side of Walmart at exit 19 for 6 dogs- come pictures and descriptions of the animals- Buddy, a 40 pound black lab, sweet boy, thinks he's a lap dog, travels well- who need a lift. I scroll through the pictures and descriptions of these furry people, animals who would love a person to greet after work or to have their bed on the floor by a little kid's bed, and know that if I- and people like me- don't step up and volunteer some time and gas there won't be a tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder why animals mean so much to me. Why not orphaned children or refugees who have survived disaster? I don't know. I do care very much about the orphans and refugees and do what little I can for them and I accept that in this life loving animals is what I am to do.

Charlie

Our happy little bunny, Charlie, left us this morning to join Jessie, Patience, Winnie and Lady in the heaven where animals go. The trees are always green and the weather mild with soft clouds, golden sun and soft rain showers to make the tender lettuce leaves grow. Peeled banana bits hang from trees, ripe and ready for a little nibble and hay grows fresh every morning, blowing sweet and fragrant in a soft breeze. Friendly hawks, as well as all manner of feline and canine companions provide companionship and romp or swoop over the peaceful place where all bunnies are free and happy and well.

An Olympian Winter

As of March 1, winter is over in my world. Snow covers most of the ground and the last two nights saw temperatures in the 20's but it is still spring for me. The first spring bulbs- tiny white snow crocuses- have appeared. The cardinals and chickadees are singing in the dark early morning and yesterday there was a pair of Canadian geese trying out nesting areas by the river.
We have had a cold snowy winter and spent much of it- evenings at least- hunkered down in our snug little house. Ohio saw near- record snowfall in February. I imagine it will be weeks before the mountains of now gray snow will melt away, piled from shoveled driveways and parking lots. We definitely had record ice cycles hanging from the house. Before I knocked them down last weekend, a few went from roof to the ground. They were beautiful when caught in the rare moments of bright sun, sparkling like crystal, clear and blue.
Jim and I always enjoy the Olympics and the 2010 Vancouver Games were no exception. During the day I looked forward to the evening when our work was done, knowing plans for pizza and a few hours of skiing, skating or skateboarding were in store. Oliver, our tuxedo'd gentleman cat, also anticipated these evenings atop a warm TV.

Visitors

Last night there were two visitors at our home. One was invited and one was not. One was a known member of the family and the other was a stranger. I was aware of the first being there in the night, but the other crept stealthily under cover of darkness to rob me if there was something worth taking and I was unaware of his presence until the morning.
Kayden was over for another big night of fun. He had Sesame Street Ernie pasta for dinner, a new addition to his toddler diet that I forked into his baby bird open mouth. We had our usual fun, including our version of Olympics 2010. We have prayer flags hanging in our living room- 6 in all- bright blue, pink, orange, green yellow and red. Kayden loves to be launched up to a height where he can touch each flag as I call out the color. He laughs and I laugh and my arms get a workout and he is learning colors. It gets a gold medal every time. When Kayden's mom and dad picked him up this morning, there was ample evidence of his visit all around the house.
My other visitor probably had dinner too, put out for birds and squirrels to help them eat while the ground is covered with snow. He also may have performed Olympian feats attempting to access the dinner. However this guest, leaving only the smallest evidence that he has visited, slipped quietly away in the night.